you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
