When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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