Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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