I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
