Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
