It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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