I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
