There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
