You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
