I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
