Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
