we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize