the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
