I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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