im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
