he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize