I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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