I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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