apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
