if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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