Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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