obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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