Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
