My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
