the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
