I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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