This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dicks are not precious.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize