one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
