I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
