Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize