this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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