just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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