just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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