If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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