there's paper in my vomit.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
