So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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