Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
