I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I FOUND THE LEGS
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
