fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Soap is not a condiment
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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