My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize