Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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