my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
