wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
