so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
