that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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