dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
