Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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