I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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