I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
