3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
