You made me cry and you don't even care
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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