Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
