It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
