"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
