Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
