what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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