oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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